The Alan Smith Guarantee Is Real
Listen, I don’t make the rules. All I can tell you is that five nights previous, Alan Smith and myself were watching the Orioles game and Adam Jones came to bat in the sixth inning with Toronto up by two and two men on.
A great man named Alan Smith then uttered these words:
All right. Three-run homer for Jonesy comin’ up. I’m putting the Alan Smith guarantee on it.
Four pitches later, Adam Jones deposited a hanging slider upon the right-field flag court at Camden Yards, and there was much rejoicing in my living room. Eventually I drank too much whiskey but the Orioles won so it is no great matter. I mean it is a great matter that the Orioles won but I’m not worried about the whiskey indulgence because of it.
Do you know who Jason Kipnis is? I did not before that night, but it turns out he is a wee sprite of a second baseman who has been lately establishing himself by hitting home runs all over the damned place. This little punk was born in 1987 and has bonked six homers in his first 61 at-bats, which puts him on pace for something like fifty over the course of a full season. He IS NOT EVEN SIX FEET TALL, this 24-year-old child. Did his height prevent Alan Smith, who owns Jason Kipnis in our fantasy league, from offering the Alan Smith Guarantee later that evening? It did not. And what do you think happened? HE DEMOLISHED A NEFTALI FELIZ FASTBALL TO ASHES IN THE TOP OF THE NINTH INNING, SENDING THE RANGERS OF TEXAS TO AN UNEXPECTED DEFEAT.
Two nights later the Orioles were locked in mortal combat with the nefarious White Sox of Chicago, and again found themselves trailing by a deficit of two runs (for such is the way of the Orioles generally). Striding to the plate with runners at first and third came J.J. Hardy, of late on the fast track to the Baltimore mayoralty by virtue of his nonstop hitting. Still, losing heartbreakingly close baseball games is a proud tradition in Baltimore, and there was little reason to think even the Jazzy Jentleman himself could save the day…
…until Alan Smith spoke once more The Sacred Words Of His Guarantee. Mere moments later, Jazzy J smoked a pitch over the left field fence and the Orioles led anew!
It is true that they went on to blow the game. BUT EVEN THIS UNFORTUNATE REALITY DOES NOT NULLIFY THE UNDENIABLE POWER OF THE ALAN SMITH GUARANTEE—KNOW IT AND FEAR IT (but not too much, because I think it only applies to baseball).